HYUUGE NEW HILLARY SCANDAL ROCKS COSMOS

One is bemused, hearing hoarse throats howling about a … server, and following with, “Lock Her Up!”  This time last year, few of them could even have told a server from a servomechanism, or a serviette;   but now the word is waved like a bloody shirt.   Why such uproar?

To answer the question, the meta-research division of the World of Dr Justice (headquarters:  Geneva) swung into action, using our unique Spatio-Temporal Traveler^TM (Patent pending) to check out the data in parallel universes (a key precaution this year, since much of the electorate now inhabits an alternate universe year-round).  And it turns out -- the mob was right!  Heinous Hillary is guilty of horrendous crimes, in every single universe we examined !!

Here are our findings.

(1)  Alternate Universe #3794008

In this universe, instead of having a law degree, Mrs Clinton earned a Master’s degree in English, before eventually running for the highest office in the land.   Her campaign seemed to be going well, until one evening  a policeman making the rounds in Rock Creek Park, came across a dangling participle, lying beside a stream as though it had been strangled.  Forensics identified the sentence it had come from, and traced it back to one of Mrs Clinton’s secret speeches to Goldman Sachs. 

Armed with this evidence, the Bureau was granted a warrant to seize all of the candidate’s communications dating back to college;  investigators were literally figuratively  struck dumb at the masses of split infinitives,  it’s instead of its,  “contact” used as a verb, and many other infractions against the basic decencies of English grammar.

Editorialists fulminate;  Republicans demand a special prosecutor.  And an angry mob gathers outside her Park Avenue hotel, calling for her blood.  Suddenly she steps forth upon the balcony of her suite, glares down at them, and snaps:

“This is something  up with which  I will not put!”

“Shall not -- shall not!”  retorts the furious crowd.

Mrs Clinton, in an alternate universe -- Still guilty as charged !

(2) Alternate Universe #497-668-5571

In this universe, Mrs Clinton is in her first term as President, when a bombshell breaks into the headlines.  Back when she was five years old, she borrowed a book, My Cuddly Bunny, from the kindergarten library… and did not return it on time.  Nor indeed did she return it later that year … or the next year … or the next … or indeed, ever!

Impeachment proceedings began immediately, under the slogan:

Thirty years of political experience --

Sixty-five years of crime !

A sampling of planets on which Hillary is guilty as sin

(3) Alt-alternate Universe  “Betelgeuse Bleu”

In this universe,  Hillary Rodman professionalized as a mathematician before meeting her future husband, one William Clinton, a vicar.    Dr Rodman is nearing the end of her seventh term as President, preparing to take over as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, when a careful examination of the “long form” of the dissertation that earned her a math Ph. D.  reveals that she once asserted the integral of the limit to equal the limit of the integrals, without first assuring uniform convergence!  An assault upon the most sacred principles of Real Analysis.

Thunder in the pulpits; the Security Council is convened.  A bloodthirsty mob floods the streets of Washington  and performs a series of outrages --   taking derivatives at singularities , dividing by zero, and using a Banach-Tarski maneuvre to disassemble Mrs Clinton and re-assemble her at half her former size.

[Update, Halloween 2016]  Our colleagues at the Pyesetz Institute for Cosmic Research  have explored this issue in some even more elaborate universes:
http://pyesetz.livejournal.com/140986.html

Thus, the results of our own research division  have been independently replicated.

[Upshot]  And so we have our theorem:

Thm.  Any transcosmic functor that leaves Hillary fixed, fixes guilt.