Doctor Justice Declares a Caliphate
or, If You Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em
We were bemused at the ease with which a ragtag of runaways, renegades, and Zarqawiite thugs could propel themselves to regional prominence, and declare their supremacy over the whole Umma of Islam. And instead of being laughed off the stage, they have received bay`ah from group after group of former rivals (killing those that did not submit).
With a keen eye appropriate to their craft, the Accounting Department of WDJ Worldwide Enterprises said: Y’know, there might be money in this sort of thing.
Accordingly, as the long arm of al-Baghdadi does not yet reach into our home state, we have decided to solidify our base, before it’s too late. Thus, Doctor Justice, together with his hardy band of few but fanatical followers, hereby declares the
=> Riemannic State of Suburbia <=
Its capital shall be the cul-de-sac wherein we dwell (Married People’s Circle); our AOR, all the lands in which the Peano Postulates hold good.
The state religion is Cantorian Realism; public punishments for apostate Nominalists will be exemplary and fun to watch.
Dr Justice, wisely rendering judgment
unto his subjects, beneath an oak
Herewith our immediate, non-negotiable demands:
* Unlimited rights
* Egg in our beer
* A land corridor through Prussia
Fun Facts about Riemannistan:
* Official language: Latin
* National anthem: “Desolation Row”
* State bird: what do you think?
Recent cabinet appointments :
* Bernard Riemann: archon eponymous.
* Dr Massey : Oberreichslateinmeister
* Dr Massey : Oberreichslateinmeister
* Carlos the Pirate: Minister of Marital Affairs
* Abu-Yahya al-Irbî : Proconsul for Greater Jordan (includes all territories claimed by the ISIL)
* Commander Buckwalter: Minister of Misinformation, and Lord of the CAStLe
Honoris causâ :
* Named U.S. wifeperson : First Lady
* Airman Bob : Jihadi Performer of the Year [Note: This position, being istishhâdi, is filled anew periodically. Applications welcome.]
* Fluffy the family hamster : Emblematic Animal (to appear on all stamps and currency issued by the RSoS)
Positions still unfilled :
* Ambassador to Azawad
* Chargé d’affaires for the Ottoman Empire
The cursèd infidels of the next cul-de-sac over, “Chunky Chipmunk Way” (and here I am barely making anything up: our town is full of cutesy street-names) have refused to swear bay`ah to Sultân Dawûd, and have set up a counter-caliphate !!! This means war -- War to the knife!
Chunky Chipmunk delenda est !!!!
[Update, Bastille Day 2014] Evidently inspired by Dr J’s bold proclamation of a local cul-de-sac-based Caliphate, another would-be imam has claimed a somewhat neglected slice of Africa:
The imam with
We welcome this new sacred territory, and have offered an alliance to Imam Jeremiah, to wage Holy War against the infidels of the so-called “caliphate” of Chunky Chipmunk Way.
(BTW, those dead-enders over at Chunky Chipmunk are also pretty sloppy about recycling. War to the knife!)
[Update 9 August 2014] Doubtless inspired by Riemannistan’s righteous Holy War against the kuffar of Chunky Chipmunk Way (a.k.a the Dâr al-Harb), Obama has finally got his man-card back, and is going after the sole entity that can challenge America’s hegemonic rule -- The Islamic Caliphate.
[Late-breaking updeate -- Dispatch from the Front] The raging battle between Riemannistan and the accursèd infidels of Chunky Chipmunk Way (upon whom be grease) has reached a stage of entrenched positions, of the sort familiar from the early years of the Great War: our territories are now separated by an impassable barrier composed of around half a dozen or so orange traffic-cones.
Meanwhile, our supply lines and economic base have firmed up, relative to those of the foe. Our yard sale last weekend did wa-a-ay better than theirs did, judging, not so much by the quantity as by the quality of the visitors who dropped by (their SUVs are tacky; ours are swank). We even sold an entire, only slightly wrecked swingset (Jenny having outgrown it -- she’s in second grade now)! Match that, you Gehenna-dwelling Chunkies !!
Update: Riemannistan hosts refugees
[Dateline Riemannistan -- Associated Press]
Cousin Pete will be camping on our sofa for a few days. His common-law wife Midge threw him out of the house. The Riemmanic Caliphate is dispatching a crack diplomatic team to negotiate.