Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Jack Bauer’s casting couch


[Our private eye, Mr. Michael Murphy, has managed to obtain transcripts of the Fox job interview of Mr. Kiefer Sutherland, trying out for the proposed part of Jack Bauer on the projected series “24”.]

Executive #1:  Well Mr. Sutherland, your screentests went very well.
Executive #2 (nods)
Mr. Sutherland (softly):  Thank you sir.
Executive #1:  But there is just one, er…
Executive #2:  …umm…
Executive #1:  … ahh…  one…. detail.
Executive #2 (waving his hand dismissively -- but not too demonstratively, lest he upstage Executive #1):  A mere detail!
Executive #1 (with a brief annoyed glance at Executive #2): But a possible sticking point.
Mr. Sutherland [cocks an eyebrow]
Executive #1:  Something you might, as an actor, that is, as a professional, might, possibly -- and quite understandably -- um,  object to ….
Mr. Sutherland (leaning back with relief.):  Oh!  I see.  You want me to take off my clothes. -- That’s not a problem.  [His eyes sweep the subbelt area of those assembled with something that could be interpreted as a kind of contempt.]  My equipment compares favorably with that of any man in this r--
Executive #1 (hastily): Nonono!  It’s not that.
Executive #2 (this time in a more dutiful echo):  Not, that.
Mr. Sutherland:  ?
(The two executives exchange awkward glances.)
Executive #1: It’s, ahhhhh….
Executive #2:   It’s, mmmmm….
Executive #1:  It’s like this.
Executive #2 (vigorously nodding agreement, and even pointing at his superior):  It’s like that.
Mr. Sutherland (eyes narrow)
Executive #1:  We ahh…. that is ….. You ahh …. We would mm, appreciate, that is actually, require you, to, ….
Executive #2:  (ahh…)
Executive #1 (finally blurting it out):   Whisper!
Executive #2 (nods, vigorously but nervously)
Mr. Sutherland:  … ?  Whisper?   Anyone can whisper.  It’s not exactly rocket sci--

Executive #1:  No but I mean:  Whisper, the entire time.  A hoarse, urgent whisper.  Hour after hour.  Show after show.
Executive #2 (solemnly):  Season after season.
Executive #1 (with a sharp glance sideways):  Assuming the show is renewed. -- Which we confidently hope it will be.
Mr. Sutherland (baffled):  I don’t …. understand… How can an actor… project…. emote… shape his lines … if all he ever does is whisper?   Do you really mean that I can never, ever, speak in a normal voice?

The executives nod solemnly, as though someone has died.  Then, Executive #1:  With two exceptions.  The lines “We’re running out of time!!!!!!”  and “Move --  away -- from the bomb !!!!”  These you shout at the top of your lungs.
Mr. Sutherland (frowns; tries it):  L..i..k..e..   th..i..s ..  ?
Executive #1 (beaming):  Fantastic!
Executive #2:  A star is born!
Mr. Sutherland (considers; shrugs):  Deal.

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